Dear ed

Go fuck yourself. Get out of my head. I do not like you, and no one else likes you. My trainer and my husband are not making me fat. THEY ARE HELPING ME! I do not want you in my life. And you need to leave my head.. I am eating better for me. I want to be the person that I want to be. I can eat, I can have some candy if I choose. I am a good personal trainer. Its not all about body image. I want to help people... That that is why I am a personal trainer. I am not a personal trainer to get myself to 130 lbs.


GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD.

Ugg.. So I got triggered. I am going on job interviews for a personal trainer, and everytime I do e.d comes into my head and annoys the hell out of me. It is better today, but I am still not feeling 100%.

I was told to make a bucket list. 20 things that I want to do in my life

1- learn to play an instrument
2- Make a 3 tiered cake
3- drink water from a mountian top
4- go to the states
5- go into a clothes store and just have fun
6- Eat at the spiny restaurant in Edmonton
7- Read the whole bible
8-find out what motivates me
9-find out what motivates me to exercise
10- Become a yoga instructor
11- Find a hobby
12- have a farmers market table
13- do the splits
14-stick to a goal


Thats all I have for now. I will give more later.

I hope ed does not bother me tomorrow. 

Yesterday I got triggered. It was rather silly. I ws with my tutor and I went over this checklist for personal trainers. The question was: Do you eat an excess  animal fat, salt, sugar..  I asked my tutor what I should say and he said well at times you have eaten that. And then e.d was all over my head. I would not let him talk.. And so he used the OCD aspect of my pseronality. But that did not work.. .I had some extremely good supports! My tutor was with me during that trigger. I really apporciated it. e.d did not win. And that is amazing. I like to picture a man. And every-time I win, I picture dealing a fatal blow to e.d. I gave him a concussion yesterday.

In other news I went shopping this weekend and got some realy cool things. Anyone who has had a problem with e.d knows that cloths shopping is horrible. But I did it. I even bought sexy underwear. My husband loved it. It made me feel sexy. That is something I have not felt in a long time.

Today I am really sick. I have a headache and a cold. Thats okay. I have a job interview at the city for a personal trainer on Tuesday, I hope I am feeling better by then. I want to talk about ed. I have made so many improvements except one thing. I am a Jehovahs Witness and I go to meetings regulary.. But I have an issue with my church cloths! I cannot wear them sometimes. I end up crying in a big ball of cloths. That is one thing I still have to get over. O well I know I will eventually. I just do not know how.

How I got here

I started this blog to help me in the final recovery of e.d. Those of you who do not know, ed is short for eating disorder. I have had issues with food as long as I can remember. When I was in grade 10 I remember feeling so horrible for eating a bag of chips. I was on weight watchers back then... My mom and sister always were on some diet or another... That worked for them, and that is great... But did not work for me. My eating disorder started back up again (this is not a great representation, but I cannot think of the wording) when I needed to lose weight. I was 36.6 kg overweight. What did I do?? I lost the weight by restricting my diet. I had 800kcal per day..I worked out 6 days a week (This is not a healthy amount someone who is active and a girl should eat 3,500kcal) I made a food journal, and was happy when my kcals stayed under 800. If they did not I would work out extra. I then got a trainer who told me to go see a doctor, and long story short I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I was in total and utter denial. I did not want to believe I had an eating disorder, but I had people around me telling me I had one. My trainer told me that he could not train me anymore if I did not eat more... So I started to eat more, but then I discovered that I could eat as much as I want and then throw it up. So I did that. I could safely tell people that yes I was eating.

Lets fast forward a few years... I was still binging and purging... And I was still working out. It was around this time that I decided to go to NAIT for the personal training program. I thought: I am "healthy" I can do this. My eating disorder was a well kept secret... Until my tutor came along. First off I want to say that everyone should have a person like this in their life. My tutor is so positive and kind. He is one of those people that just gets it.... Anyway... I ended up telling him. At first I did not really say much, but the more i knew him, the more I knew I could share with him. As we talked I knew that I needed help... But I was not ready. I went to a doctor but I did not want to go back so I did not.(It was a year later that I realized that I needed help.) Bad things started to happen during this period. I was so tired all the time. I could not get through the day without a nap. My hair started to fall out, My bowels were not happy with me.. and I was cold all the time. My periods did not stop, but they were extremely irregular. I was miserable. I was asked to make a food log, and all that was really on my food log was cereal and chocolate. Yup... That's it. By this point I had gotten a new trainer. (He was my tutor also) He was extremely stricked and would not allow me to get away with much. He would ask me point blank if I binged and purged. This really helped. Slowly I started to come out of my extreme behaviour, and It would be a week that I would not binge and purge, then a month, then 3 months ect.... But my eating disorder still had a grip on me. I had not binged and purged in 8 months at this point, but I was still feeling the affects of ed. He would constantly berate me. He would make me hate myself and my size. I was still weighing myself at this point to. I knew I had to do something. It was suggested that I go to an ABA meeting. This meeting was for people how had an eating disorder; kind of like A.A. I went there 2 times and I hated it. I felt totally uncomfortable  and scared all the time there. They would say a prayer at the end of the session, and I did not really like that. So I never went again. I knew I still I needed help, but was confused how to get it. By this point I had met my future husband. He was amazing and so lovely. It was love at first sight. I knew ed had to go if I wanted to have a happy life with him. I stumbled on a book by Jenni Schafer.. Called goodbye ed hello me. That helped me so much. I realized that I needed to make sure that I made an identity for ed. So I called him ed. and made him a guy. Then I found a really good doctor, got on some really good pills.

Now here I am today... With almost 2 years sober. I still have struggles, and that is why I started this blog.. TO make sure ed was not in the dark anymore.

I will post whenever I am having a good or bad day or whenever I feel like it.

Here is Jenni Shafers website.  http://www.jennischaefer.com/books/goodbye-ed-hello-me/